Today I am leaving with you the final installment of my Breaking Barriers series! I have to tell you, it has been an emotional journey for me to dig into these. I feel like at times, even writing them, the Enemy sprung at me in attack on the very things I was fighting to bring to the surface! So lame and so predictable, he is. I hope you have been able to search your own soul and be set free of the lies that have been creeping in to your own life. I hope in the past couple weeks you have made a few small steps to freedom. That is why I write this stuff, it’s so much more to me than the fitness. It’s the breaking free and seeing a seedling bloom. I get such pleasure watching my sisters to their thing and do it well. With that said, let’s dive into our last lie, expose it, and move beyond it.
Lie #4: You Are Not Enough The Way You Are.
I feel like my mid-twenties to the about the age of 33, were a little disappointing. It was the beginnings of motherhood, which was beautiful and sacred. But it was also a time of my life where I felt more inadequate than I had ever felt before. It wasn’t the children who made me feel that way, they were charming and perfectly innocent. It was a new part of my life of staying home. Previous to mommy life, I was a social worker and it was quite a fulfilling time for me, actually. Though I saw some of the most disgusting and treacherous, unbelievable life situations-things that I could not believe happen in my own city-I was seeing people be set free and changed every week. People in my agency were pouring into people. It was life-giving. Draining as all get-out, but at the same time, so peaceful and challenging.
The surrounding elements of staying at home was the hard part. There was so much information that I was unaware of, information that I am still to this day not convinced is even necessary. Information of how-to’s and what-to’s and don’t-dos with your children. And there were moms around me creating beautiful decorations and picture books and healthy snacks and blogs. Blogging had just become a “thing”. I started a blog and I instantly loved it. Obviously, writing is an outlet for me. All my life it has been. I found a poetry book from Jr. High and High School at my parent’s house the other day and ya’ll I was about as dramatic as any episode of 90210! The blog sort of consumed me as I quickly saw it was a SAHM’s way to journal and document pictures of their families. Nothing wrong with any of that. I still love my blog. But the depths of insecurity I now realized it caused me, is pretty insane. It isn’t blogging, or other mom’s or their precious families who were to blame, it was my own inability to realize that I was enough the way I was. I turned into someone who I never really was created to be. A crafty, party-decorating, shallow-speaking woman. I was constantly striving for approval from other moms. Seeking friendships that were not two-way streets and not loving people the way they needed to be loved.
Rejection
I don’t know if men feel rejected as much as we do. Maybe they do. Girls, for whatever reason, have a natural need to “herd up”. Find the people who will accept and love you and latch yourself on to those people. Sometimes those latches are unhealthy, but the feeling of acceptance is the most important thing, so you can’t unlatch because that would be scary. And what if you venture off and get rejected. A little rejection goes a long way. And have you ever felt rejected by people who are not even people you know? People on the internet, who just seem to have it all together–seems like they are screaming from the screen that you’re not part of this club! It’s madness. Rejection for me in my twenties and early thirties, was not being able to present myself as I was. Loud. Rap-music loving. Opinionated. And honest without reservation. One time, I shared my feelings with a fellow mom about how much I actually DID NOT enjoy the newborn phase. My first kid cried for 16 hours out of the day until he was one. I am not kidding. I candidly spoke up about this and this particular mom looked at me like I had a 4 heads. She nervously laughed and said, “I think it’s the best time I’ve ever had in my life.” Point taken. Mouth closed and from then on, it was FakeTown, USA with me. I would keep up the facade that I was perfectly sweet and free of any sin or hurt or any thing “wrong”. OF COURSE I was not alone. OF COURSE she was just one person who was at the wrong place at the wrong time and OF COURSE there are thousand upon thousands of people who felt just like me who were just waiting to shout “AMEN!! We are PRAYING for the crying, spitting upping phase to be over too!” But, she was the person I divulged to and she rejected me. And at that time, I wasn’t enough. My wall was up for years after that. I was unable to really go deep with anyone for fear that I would eventually be rejected by them when they saw me for who I really was. Imperfect and flawed. Sadly, I think that is truly the way we go about living most of our lives. Loving people at arms length, because what really happened when we all let our guards down?
Comparison
The ol’ thief of joy. We compete as women. We compare as women. And we rarely cheer each other on. I’ve shared earlier how many times I have doubted my abilities because there are so many other people in my area who are doing it so well. They are fitter than me. And eat better than I do in spite of my attempts. Lord knows I try. Their tribe is bigger than mine and therefore, I will surely fail. And on the flip side, I know if they are woman like the rest of us, they feel the same kind of threat from me. Why are we doing this? Why can’t we all stand in unison, in a cheering chorus saying, “Go girl! I KNOW it’s hard and you are doing it! You are freaking doing it all the best you can! And I SEE YOU!!” How much better would that feel to just send a little message to someone who just succeeded in something? She doesn’t have to be your BFF, she can be a peripheral acquaintance, but she is in this too. And do you know what I have learned from comparison and not doing something because “she already is doing it”? There is always room. You can’t be everyone’s cup of tea, but there is always a place at the table for more.
Status Quo Life is No Life
Hear me say this. That fire in you is who you are. I don’t know what it is, but it is who you are. You are meant to be a game changer and no rejection or comparison or nay-sayer is going to make that go away. If you are hiding in the dark, afraid of being found out, you will never get it, sisters. Do not be afraid of being you and using your gifting to pursue God’s glory.
I do not enjoy working with little children in church/school/teaching settings. For years, I also felt guilty about that. {You see this pattern forming}. “All good, Christian women are quiet, sweet women who enjoy teaching AWANA”. That is what I would tell myself at the sign up table every single year. So, I signed up finally, succumbing to the pressure. Let me tell you. I have never felt so drained and ill-equipped in my life. Suffering for the Gospel was right. And let’s be clear here, there were dozens of women around me who were total bad-A’s at teaching those little peeps the Word! They knew exactly WHAT to SAY and HOW to say it to make those kiddos stand in their tracks and receive. But honey, that was not me. The Lord used me that year. You know what He revealed to me that year? Children outside of my own home are not my thing. You know who are? Strippers. And pregnant drug-users. And young adults struggling through marriage. That is my gifting. And you’re welcome in advance for filling in that gap for those of you who would rather curl up in a ball than do any of that. And huge Thank You from me who will not be at VBS one time ever in the near future teaching the Kindergartners, or any other elementary-aged child! Not gonna do it. THANK YOU! We all play a part in this thing! “Just as a body, though one, has many parts, but all its many parts form one body, so it is with Christ.”
1 Corinthians 12:12
We are all enough, you guys. We are all unique creatures. We are all fearfully and wonderfully made. I do not want us to criticize each other any longer. I want to see you for your amazing talent and giftings. We do not have to be the same kind of mom as the one who seems to have it all together. Let her have it all together. Heck, maybe she really does! We do not have to feel bad for liking to have a clean house-I love a clean house! But I also understand that it may not be a priority for you. It’s all good. We have to quit trying to be someone we are not in order to be accepted and heard and successful. We will fail every time. Plus, the things we tend to obsess over are really trivial things in the grand scheme of it all. And then…we all miss out.
So, as I close, I want you to recall every lie I called out and I want you to rebuke it from your life. I mean REALLY call it out by name and specifically state what the lie is. Out loud, in the quietness of your home when no one else is around. Cry out to the Lord that He can set you free from these lies. Here is a guide on what to ask yourself:
- How have you been trying to “Have It All”? How can you let go of that burden?
- How have you been obsessing over your physically beauty or appearance? What do you need to repent and move on from?
- How has your own self-doubt been holding you back from pursuing something you KNOW God wants you to do? It can be big or small.
- Who or What are you holding a standard to? If it’s another person, can you let that comparison go? Can you move past the lie that you have to “fit in” in whatever your life situation is?
- Is there a wall you can let down to let others in? The wall of not getting close to someone? The fear of being “found out”? Can you pray and ask the Lord to allow you to slowly break free of those walIs?
This was beautiful and so well said. I got teary reading it! I found myself agreeing with so many things you said. Thank you for bringing this struggle out of the dark where we struggle in secret into the light so we can give it to God and let go of the power it holds on is. All women need freedom from the yoke of not good enough! I loved the whole series but this was the best! Thank you for being you Nicki and sharing your wisdom with all of us!
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