Breaking Barriers: Lies Women Tell Themselves {Part II}

by nickiwilson

I apologize for my lateness! I figured this would happen, but we went on a wonderful week long vacation to Pine Cove family camp, and it was my intention to sit and write a blog post, but the Lord had other plans for me and worked on me instead! I am sure you understand and I appreciate it! My goal is to give you TWO posts this week! #goals

Recapping our first barrier to living our dreams: the belief that you can have it all. Once you let the notion go that you can be everything to everyone all day every day, you will be a little more set free. Naturally, this is a process of the most mental sort, but it will also require you to say “No” on occasion and practice the art of doing the best you can at secondary things of importance and living a primary, gospel-centered way of life. Got it? You can go back and read it here.

Today though, I want to dig in a little deeper. I want to dig into something and I want you to hear it with fresh ears, and read it with new eyes. So, take a minute and say a prayer to breath this in afresh.

Lie #2: Your Worth is Tied To Your Physical Beauty.

Oh my friends. This one is hard for me to write. I want to write it to a broad audience. I hope some teenagers are reading this, and I also want to appeal to women at all ages. When I first got the idea to write this series, I had a few points that were loud and clear in my mind and at the center of my heart. But I knew there was more to write about. So, I prayed for the Lord to reveal to me some things that I struggle with and this lie was on the forefront. Basically, I hear something to do with outward appearance on average of 20 times a day if I am out in public. “You look so cute” , “I love that outfit”, “Didn’t you just have a baby?”, “I wish I could eat as much as you and look that good”, “She has really lost weight and looks so much better”, “I am so frustrated with this last 10 pounds”,  and the list goes on and on. It’s so much a part of our vernacular as women, we see it as totally normal. And let me tell you, I am no exception. I do it innocently all the time. However, I think it just proves that we place so much value on our looks that we don’t even see how harmful it actually is. I’d like to combat this lie with a few truths for you to settle into. You ARE beautiful. Hear this with fresh ears. God created you in His image. Genesis 1:27. God doesn’t take your creation lightly. His creation is a projection of Him. And creation is beautiful. Everything about you is unique to you. Outward is intertwined with inward and it makes a fascinating beauty that is YOU. Why is that so difficult to accept? It’s difficult to accept because the world has told us otherwise. There is a standard that we have to meet. To be skinny, tan, perfect nose, bigger chest, smaller booty, perfect hair, perfect teeth. It is completely exhausting to be perfect. Do we not know? Perfection, in the physical beauty sense like all areas of our life, is unattainable! Yet, we waste so much time striving for it. It is all tied back to the lie that we can have it all!

Taking Care Of Your Body Versus Consuming Your Mind

When I was a kid, I always had 7+ cavities when I went to the dentist. I had braces for what seemed like 10 years longer than everyone else, and to top it all off, I have teensy, little teeth. Teeth are not in my favor. A few months ago, I found myself in my dentist’s office {who happens to be a friend of mine}. I was showing him the gap I have in my 3rd and 4th top teeth. The gap that bugs the crud out of me in every single picture I take. The gap in my teeth that I have been analyzing for years. Wishing I would have listened and worn that retainer after my braces were taken off. This gap in my teeth was consuming me. I thought about it more than I want to admit throughout the day and anytime I would meet someone with a beautiful, toothy, white smile, I would get a self conscious. So, there I sat. Telling my dentist, my friend, my sob story about my teeth. I was certain I needed a full mouth of veneers. He listened very professionally and heard me out. He sort of smiled and to paraphrase him, he said, “Your smile looks fine to me. You don’t need veneers. But if you want them, the cost is $XX,XXX.” I immediately felt my face flush with redness. Was I really going to justify my little gap costing my family that amount of money? I rushed home, really feeling quite embarrassed, and honestly haven’t given it much of a thought since. It’s not the veneers that are bad, honestly, some people really do need them. It’s the WAY in which it was CONSUMING my thoughts about the way I looked that made it so wrong.

So, does that mean you shouldn’t care at all the way you look? That’s not really what I am saying here. I love to get my facials, I love cute clothes and looking nice. I have a little more pep in my step when do a little grooming! It’s more a matter of mindset. Working out to be healthy is good. Working out to be skinny is bad. Getting your hair cut and highlighted to feel pretty and fun is good. Obsessing about how terrible your hair always looks is bad. Feeling like you have to constantly strive to look or be a certain way to fit in with others, or worse yet, feel good about your self….that’s beauty consuming your life, and that’s bad.

Listen, do you think God was mistaken when he gave your face an extra dose of freckles? Or he made your hair a little curlier than your peers? Or your tummy a little rounder than you would like it to be? No. There are some things about our outward appearance that we need to take care of because it is a gift, but there are some things that we are not going to change because it was the way we were created to be. And the fact that we obsess over our looks turns our hearts into hardened little things that can only operate in selfishness, self-loathing and negativity. Too consumed with our own selves to see others around us. It seems dramatic, but you guys, I see it all the time.

Removing Things That Cause You To Obsess

I’ve shared before how almost 10 years ago I quit ready “beauty” magazines. There wasn’t anything wrong with them for the most part, but something in me was triggered to be made incredibly insecure when I read them. I would casually read them on the weekends and remember just feeling so irritable. One day, it just hit me. I was comparing myself to all the beautiful, photoshopped women in the magazines. My newly married self felt like I must not be attractive to my husband if all of these kind of people are out in the world. Why on earth did he pick me? He will surely not love me as he watches me age. Ya’ll. Do you even see the absurdity in those thoughts? I can now. But man, they were so real to me back then. I had to cut the dumb things out of my life. Haven’t missed them since.

This past week I spent the week at a Christian Family Camp called Pine Cove. It’s settled in the piney woods of east Texas. It’s beautiful. And it’s HOT. They don’t have TV in any of the rooms and the internet is a little spotty. Adults are being poured into by amazing speakers and kids are doing a million crazy activities. We all come together at night and do a family themed game or activity. I am saying all this because I do not put on makeup, not once did I dry my hair and I wear athletic clothes 90% of the time. And I feel so beautiful that entire week. It’s only when I return home that I start being concerned with the silly, outward worries and insecurities. I think it’s simply because I am encouraged to only do things that really matter when I am at Pine Cove. I am playing and listening to my kids without interruptions. I am spending time in the Word. I am focused on being a servant. Who cares about anything else? My mind is totally unconsumed with myself and shifted to things that matter.

So, maybe it’s time to remove things from your life that cause you to compare. Cause you to hurt. Is it safe to say scrolling through Instagram all day long may take a toll on you? People’s best photos and moments all run through a filter. How real can that actually be? I know I am thankful for a little Valencia every now and again, but do not compare yourself to people on the internet! Take time to think about something that may be making you insecure or obsess over your outward appearance. Is it time to make a move in the other direction? 

Know Your Worth

How do we combat the thought that our worth is tied to our physical beauty? I think we learn to age gracefully and know our worth. “Beauty is fleeting and charm is deceptive, but a woman who fears the Lord should be praised.” Proverbs 31:30

Not gonna lie. This year has been an eye-opener for me in the age department. I have REALLY felt 35. My left knee has been nagging me with every intense class I take. My eyes are the worst they have ever been. My hair is fried. My three children-birthed belly skin is looser than I hoped for despite my valiant efforts to change it. And ya’ll the wrinkles are coming. The wrinkles are HERE.  And I hate to admit it, but it has been a little hard to swallow. The Lord has really shown me the pridefulness. I have had to die a little to my hopes of staying young and beautiful. I don’t think I have ever been known as a typically “beautiful person”, but I think my looks have worked favorable for me from time to time. I see with clearer eyes now that those days will eventually cease all together.

BUT on the opposite end of that, this year has been an AMAZING year for me of awakening to a part of me that I never knew existed. I have felt creative, motivated, humbled and focused. THAT is the road I want to wander down. Not one of conformity to the world, but one of finding how my talents are going to be used to glorify. To know how to really be an intentional friend. To be a steadfast and consistent mother. To love my husband with the same reckless abandon that I dream of. I just want to get better. Not more beautiful.

So, what about you? Is your physical appearance consuming your heart and preventing you from moving into something more than what society tells women we should be. We are meant for so much more than our physicality, my beauties, So much more. Let’s move on.

Breaking Barriers: Lies Women Tell Themselves (Part I)

by nickiwilson

I can’t remember exactly what the inspiration was to write this series. I think it is something that the Lord has been brewing in me for almost a year now. It’s actually been tough to write it down in precise words. Since the beginning of the year,  I have watched dreams come alive for a friend of mine. A true beauty from ashes story. I also experienced a friend’s dream come alive in the form of a fundraiser for her ministry. I’ve had lunches with a friend who has been hanging out on a limb, knowing exactly what she needs to be doing in her career, just finding the right time to pull the trigger.  I’ve witnessed a women’s ministry unfold, piece by piece, out of sheer obedience and fear not to unleash it because it might implode if they don’t! Heck, I myself, have been trying to step out in faith on things I should be doing with my business. I have seen how painstakingly I have taken the tiniest steps ever because I don’t want to neglect other important things in my life. Or at least that is what I think holds me back. Truthfully, I am just scared of a lot of things. Scared and excited. I wondered if other women felt this way too. Turns out, they do.

I posed a few questions to about 30 women I work with. Some friends, some acquaintances, some I hardly knew. I simply asked them what their dreams and goals were for now and for the future. Not everyone answered me. Some people couldn’t even grasp the question. They hadn’t given it a thought. But some answers, oh, some responses brought me to my knees weeping. I kept thinking, “Why do we think and feel these things and no one knows about them?” How is it possible to have so many beautiful dreams for yourself, yet not a soul knows. Or maybe you have shared it with someone special, but it is all almost shared with a scoff of disbelief…something that you would only like to keep in your head.

As I looked at responses and experienced my own experiences this past year, examined my own heart, I think it all came to me in a series. The series I want to share here. The reason we do not act on God-breathed ideas and talents and dreams, is all because of lies. Lies that we are told, and believe. I believe they are ingrained in us so hard, that we don’t even realize they are lies.

I work with women. I love working with women and communicating with them. And while it isn’t necessarily my “job” to do this kind of thing {write about barriers to our own joy}, I am going to be putting it all out there the way I see it. My prayer is that maybe this will speak to you. Maybe it will allow you to move forward with something you have felt has always been in your heart to do. Breaking the down the barriers of lies we tell ourselves, one lie at a time.

Lie #1: You can have it all.  

I don’t know when or how or why this notion has been heaped upon women over the years, but it has. And it’s breaking our backs. The thought that we can have it all comes from a good place, I am sure. From a standpoint of women’s lib-that we are equal to, or have every right to be equal to our counterparts of men. I am in total agreement with that. I think we do deserve equal rights. I think we are extremely smart and capable of so many things, career and beyond. Far beyond. We are great communicators of much and we are mothers and friends and ministers. Yes, WOMEN are fierce ministers {I’ll write about this later}. We are so much. BUT we can’t have it all. Or maybe I should say, we cannot have it all at ONCE. It’s just not possible.

Having it all. All. ALL. I am assuming that “All” encompasses all of most of the following things: Love, Marriage, a family, an education, a career you enjoy,  a home (that is clean and tidy), sleep, a great body (or at least a decent one if you work on it enough), great friends, lots of volunteer time and a thriving spiritual life. All of these things are great and necessary and good. But the strain we put on ourselves to get all of these things is maddening. And harmful, and unbalanced. The very fact that we try to achieve balance is quite unbalanced. 

My good friend, Emily Mills has some beautiful thoughts about achieving balance in this article she wrote a few months ago. In it she wrote:

“To achieve the fallacy of outward balance, we’re forced to compare value: kids, career, ministry, nutrition, etc. But the truth is, my kids will never weigh as much as a job….and yet my job is an extension of my calling. And so is my calling of greater value than my kids? If my miss my daughter’s classroom party, am I devaluing her completely? Let the insanity stop! Let’s crush this scale that has morphed into a measuring stick of achievement!”

Our outward actions and achievements are never going to balance out. If you work full-time, you can’t get those hours back in the day to spend with your kids. On the same token, if you have 3 toddlers under the age of three, and have opted to stay home,  I think it is safe to say you are not going to be able to have total focus on a career that requires a lot of time and man power. Something always has to give. And that is OK, you guys! Stop looking at it like a pie chart and look at it from a perspective of a season in life. Are you still using your giftings? Loving your family to the fullest with no boundaries? Looking to serve others without gain? These are all things we have a God-given capacity for. And they shift from time to time. Some areas get more attention than others at a certain time. My fear, however for us, is when something gets put on the back-burner and never returns to the front.

This past year, I experienced the Not Having It All thing in my own way. Since I have had my youngest, I have been taking the tiniest of steps trying to get myself in a good place between motherhood and career dreams. A couple of areas that have thrived more than others are my role as a mommy to Woods who is home with me most days. I feel like I get a lot of quality time with her to read, play, get out of the house, etc. On the same note, my fitness business dreams are slowly coming to fruition. I have done several group classes and grown my on-line presence at a pace I am pretty happy with. On the contrary, two areas have suffered are my friendships and my involvement in my big kid’s school. I am an “older” mom with a toddler.  Most, though not all, of my close friends have all of their kiddos in some form of formalized school most of the day on most days. I do not. My mornings are swifter than a lightning bolt, and timed to a tee. In order for my business to work and my family to be fed, I am on a tight, regimented schedule.  I have been bound to the house for nap time from 11:30a-3p everyday and then it’s off to the races of school pick up, dance, sports and anything else older kids schedules entail. I rarely see my friends, which makes this little extrovert often go into a dark, lonely place. I also have been strapped for time to do anything with my kid’s school. I LOVE being a room mom and school volunteer. But the past two years with a baby on my hip and now a toddler in my shadows, I have had to scale back to almost nothing. I have tearfully told my kids I will not be able to do the all-day field trips I once was so good at participating in, resorted to many donut stops over my usual cute and well-thought-out homemade goodies. It doesn’t mean I don’t value my kids in their current stage, or not LONG to be involved 100% as THAT mom who holds the school together like crazy glue. I do. I want to. I will. I just haven’t been able to for a little while. And when I tried, it left me flat, and tired and frazzled. My “No” made me so much more confident and relaxed. You guys, there is a season for such things. So, what has this said to you? Do you try to make your life an equally divided pie chart? Have you been beating yourself up mentally for taking that job? Have you said yes to every single extra-curricular activity under the sun so you can be the perfect mom, wife, employee, church member, etc? What if you can take this approach:

1. Ask yourself what “having it all” means to you. Write it down.

2. What are some of the dreams you are holding on to? Write them down.

3. In those dreams, which ones can you focus on now? Which ones can you focus on in the next year? Which ones can you focus on in the next 3-5 years.

4. Pray. Pray for the Lord to reveal to you the things that you can back off of for now. What drains you? Ask him to give you creative visions and ideas. When He does, write them down.

5. Make an action plan. Doesn’t have to be too detailed, but get the wheels rolling. Pen to paper.

My friends, it’s ok to not have it all. Not a single one of us does. We are not meant nor are we made to be perfect. Unload some of that pressure off of yourself. I think once you really let this idea that you can’t have it all sink in, all of the other barriers I am going to write about will fall away.

Deep breaths, my friends, deep breaths. There are incredible things ahead, just maybe not all at once.

I’d love to hear your feedback!